If you thumb through the internet lately, you’re bound to find Gift Guides offering to help facilitate your holiday purchasing. Often times, they will make recommendations based on arbitrary male archetypes like “Outdoorsmen” or “Athletes” or “Husbands”. At Duke Cannon, we find these broad classifications to be rather useless and a bit archaic. That’s why, for the past 12 years, we have been hard at work to create the most customized and personally-curated gift guide known to man. Working alongside the finest minds in Silicon Valley, we have mined Big Data to learn everything about you and your family so that we can provide you the most helpful and specific recommendations allowable by law.
Uncle Randy (on your mom’s side)
Uncle Randy has never really engaged with you much, but you know from his T-shirts that he appears to enjoy fishing and Budweiser. His Senor Frogs tank top also indicates a passion for international travel. For a seasoned adventurist like Uncle Randy, The Sportsman Selection might seem like a fine option until you remember that your budget for Randy was capped at $10. In which case, a Big ‘Ol Brick of Hunting Soap makes a fine alternative.
Your Second Best Friend, Carl
Now we both know that you haven’t verbally ranked your friends since 3rd grade, but let’s be honest, there’s a clear hierarchy and Carl is currently sitting at #2. So, while it’s important to get a great gift for the guy who proudly stood behind your best man at your wedding, you simply can’t spend as much on Carl as you do on Nick. So, a mid-tier gift like our All American Grooming Box is the perfect way to recognize the guy who’s always there for you to occasionally text.
Calvin, from the IT Department
Sure, you and Cal didn’t hit it off immediately. You found his “did you try turning it off and on?” questions to be condescending, as they were intended to be. But over time, you and Cal developed a mutual respect as he found value in helping you with problems more complicated than a password reset. In fact, the dude even helps you out without having to create a ticket. You know from the company party in ’15 that Cal has a voracious appetite for brown liquor, so the Beer and Bourbon Box, while relevant, may not be work appropriate. Take the safe bet and go with the El Cuatro.
Your Neighbor, Steve
The fact that Steve moved next door to you from his home state of Montana means that his sports allegiances are all over the damn map. You share no teams in common. Therefore, while that Sox-logoed Grill Set would make the perfect gift for Darrel across the street, it would make an awful gift for Steve. You might think about taking a pass on Steve altogether, but if you recall that one time he shoveled your driveway while you were in Tampa, it becomes clear that the perfect gift for Steve is the Shower Beer Sack.
Don’t get me started on Chris. Chris will get nothing and like it.
Your Step-Nephew, Kyler
Perhaps the most mission critical gift decision is the one you make for your 17 year old step-nephew, Kyler. You could take the easy road and get him what he asked for, a gift certificate to that Bob’s Vape Shoppe, but this would simply accelerate his pursuit to be an alternative rock blogger. Or you could buy him the Beardsman’s Bundle. Though he’s only managed patchy stubble to this point, the mere suggestion that he can be a true Beardsman could be a turning point, putting him on a life-long path of productivity and accomplishment. Or the vape stuff is cool, too. Whatever.