What Dad Wants, He Can’t Have

If you check your personal email in early June, you’ll no doubt have a slew of entreaties from companies like ours claiming to have what “dad really wants” for Father’s Day. But we have to come clean. What Dad really wants, or even needs, cannot be sold or traded for ready monies. No, the things that Dad truly wants, we cannot give him. But we can write about those things in a blog imploring you to buy other stuff.

A Neighbor With Complementary Lawn Care Values

It’s been said you can’t pick your neighbors, and if that’s true, then you certainly can’t ensure your neighbors share your standards for proper lawn care. That said, it sure would be nice if the fellow next store could embrace the proper cutting frequency and execute a nice set of mow lines running perpendicular to yours. Or, at the very least, it’d be nice if he didn’t allow his land to become a dandelion safe house while “you’re over here spraying Roundup for the third time this month, dammit.”

Just Once, A Road Full of Competent Drivers

According to independent reports, Dad is the only sane, rational driver on the roadways while all other vehicle owners are certifiable idiots. Just once, Dad would appreciate fellow motorists who know how to use a damn turn signal, follow at an appropriate distance, and – for the love of all things holy -execute a proper freaking merge. Of course, experts believe that if this fantasy were to come to fruition, there still remains the distinct risk of a pedestrian crossing the street taking his sweet ass time.

For Crying Out Loud, Some Melted Cheese

Occasionally, the hard-working Dad on-the-go requires that another fellow grill him a cheeseburger for sustenance. And while said burger might be reasonably priced and prepared with haste, it inevitably comes without the damn cheese melted. This is a problem, you see, because Dad is not one to leave a job unfinished. So this slab of half-limp, lukewarm cheese sitting atop that grilled meat is not just a culinary disappointment, but a complete affront to his values. #Wendys

Please, Just 24 Hours Free of Imagine Dragons

Dad might be a big fan of this popular band, or perhaps he’s never heard of them, but either way, he’s subject to no less than 47 total minutes of Imagine Dragons every day emanating from radio, television, and dentist waiting rooms. Too much of a good thing or too much of an awful thing is still too much of a thing. Dad needs just a 24-hour respite so that he can recalibrate and reflect on the simpler times in the days before Imagine Dragons.

A Manager Who Doesn’t Blow 80 Games a Year

It’s a scientific fact that every ball team is capable of 162-0 if not for the idiotic decisions of the manager who makes the exact decision opposite of what Dad would do. Just give Dad one game where the MGR doesn’t pull the starter too soon or leave him in one batter too long. And c’mon! – what are you doing sending in Ramirez to bat for Davis when Cabrera was clearly the only viable option? In fact, simply employing a manager who has a fraction of Dad’s hindsight would be enough to get his team to the playoffs.