Every year or so, a bunch of smart folks put on their best turtlenecks and discuss the latest gizmos and gadgets that are now essential to our existence. The latest innovation, which will drive the price of a telephone over a thousand bucks, is called “augmented reality,” even though such a feature has come free with cheap vodka since before Prohibition. And while Duke Cannon might sit this one out, it got us thinking about other unsung innovations that have truly made a difference for mankind. Without further ado, our list of history’s most important innovations.
Riding Mower Headlights
A man’s lawnmower is a sanctuary. With only one seat and a cupholder, it’s a place a man can escape to enjoy a cold beer alone while contemplating the finer things in life like having a better lawn than your neighbor. For years, however, the one drawback was the riding mower was limited to daytime use only. So when the missus invited you to watch the finale of Real Housewives of Wherever, you had no place to reasonably go. The lawn mower light, invented sometime in the last 30 years or so, opened the gates to manly freedom to all hours of the day, fortifying countless marriages in the process.
From the days of the pyramids to today’s megalithic skyscrapers, humans seem to push the limits of what’s possible on a daily basis. And yet, for years, despite all of the developments in engineering and construction, not one man could easily hang two pictures on the wall at the exact same height. That all changed maybe 20 years or so with the advent of the laser leveler. Sure, lasers themselves have been around since the 60s, and they’ve been used for things like surgery and DNA sequencing, but it wasn’t until they were added to picture hanging tools when we were able to truly experience the awesome power of the laser.
Lime Tortilla Chips
Duke Cannon is a man who prides efficiency and simplicity above hedonistic pursuits like “tastiness.” The idea of a snack chip that requires repeated dipping in smushed vegetables? Complicated and frivolous, to say the least. That all changed on a day in 2000-something when Lime Tostitos were launched. With nearly authentic lime flavoring actually built in to the tortilla chip, expensive dips were rendered nearly obsolete, saving Americans billions in dollars and lost productivity.
News Anchor 2-in-1 Hair Wash
We assembled the world’s leading scientific minds and gave them a nearly impossible task: launch the Tostitos Lime of the hair care world. With an 8-figure budget, the team worked day and night for 4 years to deliver the groundbreaking News Anchor 2-in-1 Hair Wash, a product that both cleans and conditions a man’s hair at the same time, saving time, money, and shower floor space. With a clean tea tree scent that smells downright fantastic, pundits agree that News Anchor Hair Wash is a lock for the Pulitzer Prize of Hair.