Gentlemen, pull out the jerseys (but not the face paint) because fall is here and that means gridiron action is back. Now, any football is good football in our almanac, but we’ve been watching games long enough to identify situations where one’s enjoyment can be dangerously compromised. And we have thoughtfully cataloged these occasions into a handy guide, which you can reference to save yourself some hassle on those precious Saturdays and Sundays.
AT YOUR BOSS'S HOUSE
The invitation seemed more like a mandate, and the entire time you can’t help but feel like you’re stuck in a performance review. Can you swear, or even just relax and put your feet up on the coffee table? Who knows. Best to simply play things close to the vest as you slowly drink his weird beer, smile politely at his jokes, and pray the game doesn’t go into overtime.
SECTION 426, ROW ZZ
Welcome to ant football. You’re so high up that the jerseys are indecipherable, and you can’t tell if someone just fumbled or got the first down. The announcer is no help either, because sound doesn’t travel well in the thin atmosphere. Oh well—Randy should be back soon with some $37 nachos, as long as he gives the sherpa the right section number.
IN A DOME
Football was intended to be played on grass, under an open sky. Domes belong in movies about the future. Case closed.
AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE WHO HASN'T UPGRADED THEIR TV SITUATION IN QUITE A WHILE
It was nice of them to invite you over to watch the game, but the bulky square box that greets you upon entering lets you know you are in for a long, blurry afternoon, 1998 style. Now, we are certainly no A/V snobs, but seeing as how we are well into the millennium, we do ask for equipment that is a rung or two above what they have in the waiting room of your local Tires Plus.
The Eiffel Tower, The Louvre, The Champs Elysée—all without a doubt magnificent, must-see destinations that you should visit when you’re in France. However, a knowledgeable crowd of rowdy football fans is not something any travel agent would suggest with a straight face that you’ll find in this historic European country. The French may make a mean soufflé, but the fact is loudly recounting the details of the Immaculate Reception or being able to name the NFL rushing leader of any given year simply isn’t in their wheelhouse.