Subscription Boxes That Would Kill It On Shark Tank

It seems lately that there’s a “Subscription Box” for everything. And that’s OK in Duke Cannon’s book. Anything that allows us to spend less time shopping and more time building things is a good thing. But monthly deliveries of fancy ties, cheap foreign razors, or kale granola bars? Who really needs that? We think the subscription box industry has missed the mark, so here are our suggestions on subscriptions that men really need.

Junk Club  

(Junk Drawer Contents Delivered Monthly)

The Junk Drawer: a staple of every American household, but at times, a source of marital strife when it becomes too cluttered or certain basic elements go missing for “no damn reason whatsoever.” With Junk Club, we eliminate the need for a junk drawer by sending you only the critical non-essential items to maintain your quality of life. Sample box includes: 2 off-brand AAA batteries, one frickin’ working pen, the remote control for that VCR in the basement, a valet key to a Volvo you don’t own, and a not-yet-expired coupon for that decent Chinese take-out place down the street.

The Sh*t You Forgot Box

(Because You Will Forget Sh*t, and We’ve Got You Covered)

Despite the advent of technology such as digital notes on your mobile device, the average American male forgets at least 23% of the “sh*t” he’s tasked with procuring on behalf of his family. There is no need to worry now that the SYF Box exists. Just answer a short survey, and our MIT-trained analysts will run an algorithm that will predict with 98% certainty the items you will forget to buy, which we will then ship to your house. Things like: low-fat string cheese for Connor, another bag of salt for the water softener, a 6-piece chicken nuggets, and maybe a case of Diet Sprite, but only if it’s on sale.

The Get’r Done Box

(The Thingamabobs You Need to Fix Doodads)

We realize that not every man enjoys the sheer thrill of home improvement projects the way Duke Cannon does, so he created the Get’r Done Box for less handy types. After completing a quick home inspection, our team will send customized monthly boxes of “gizmos” that address anticipated needs, including: a new bulb for that flood light in the foyer about to burnout, a new spark plug for the mower that hasn’t started since ’14, and some spackling paste to repair the drywall holes left when Judy decided to take down that IKEA print in the living room.

The Millionaire’s Deuce Club

(For Luxurious Trips to the Throne)

The hard-working man rarely takes time to relax, except of course, for that six minutes of private, contemplative bliss that accompany his trips to the throne. So, make those six minutes matter and pop a squat in luxury with the Millionaire’s Deuce Club. Each weekly box comes one roll of imported, certified organic, quadruple-ply toilet paper, hand-carved hickory matches, two Ex-Lax tablets, and personally curated readings from the Economist, New Yorker, or the Onion.