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New Products We Are NOT Launching

New Products We Are NOT Launching

Earlier this year, we launched our Great American Frontier Collection, a line of Big Ass Soaps with scents inspired by the Great Outdoors. Based on the popularity of those items, we thought it might make sense to expand the line with a new collection of soaps, this time inspired by the Great Indoors. As such, we asked our product development team to come up with some initial concepts.

What transpired was the worst collection of ideas ever uttered within the confines of an American business institution.

But unlike New Coke, we won't actually be launching these incredibly awful ideas. However, we will share the details with you here in case you're interested in starting your own line of failed soaps.

Big Ass Brick of Soap: 1-Star Rated Uber Scent

The Core Idea: a soap product that blends the essence of body odor paired with a subtle hint of a smushed, ketchup-drenched French Fry hidden beneath the passenger seat for three weeks.

The Packaging Copy: "At 3 A.M., your only option home may be in the backseat of Gary’s ‘88 Civic, where the warm crinkle of a Hardee's wrapper underfoot blends with the intimate screech of a worn fan belt. A place where forced conversation is shouted over a backseat window stuck half open. So, strap in your broken seat belt and take a longer-than-expected ride through a rough neighborhood with this premium bar soap."

Big Ass Brick of Soap: Thrift Store Scent

The Core Idea: A gently used soap that's "in pretty good shape, to be honest with you" at a compelling price point that asks "why the hell not?" With a unique scent featuring top notes of moth balls with just a hint of 1983.

Packaging: A dented cardboard box with a top flap that somehow won't close and what looks to be a JCPenny's price tag with black marker over the UPC.

Price: $5.50, but on Tuesdays half off if it has a green sticker.

Big Ass Brick of Soap: Sparsely-Attended Theater Scent

The Core Idea: A soap inspired by the scent of a theater that "no one can possibly go to anymore, right? Sure, they do the Rocky Horror Picture Show thing, and they did that cool RoboCop marathon last February, but you still have to put up with your shoes sticking to the damn ground. The whole place smells like dried soda and burnt popcorn, but I guess it's still only $5 for a matinee. I'm just surprised they haven't turned that place into condos yet."

Target Audience: Folks who are really into older soaps because "older soaps are just inherently better, and any new soap is just a product of focus groups and a desire to sell action figures and T-shirts."

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