Throughout the years we have spoken often about “Randy”— a fellow who plagues us like a pebble lodged in a boot. But just who is this mysterious ne’er do well? Well, the way we see it, we all have a Randy in our lives. Both a man and a type, Randy could be an uncouth brother-in-law, a lazy neighbor, or someone you went to high school with and now can’t quite shake loose. Or, he could be a guy actually named Randy, who has decided to embrace his given name as both adjective and lifestyle, and subsequently does very Randy-like things.
But how to identify these all-too-common oafs, who live and roam so freely among us? Here are some habits native to the species that will help you easily identify a Randy in your life.
DOES NOT BRING BEER TO A GATHERING YET STILL CONSUMES LOTS OF IT
Randy’s social calendar is always wide open, and as such, he will most certainly be able to make it to your party this Saturday. But do not for a moment think that means he will bring any beer (or other libations) along. He will not. What he will bring is a deep, all-consuming thirst. And by that we mean a thirst that rivals Count Dracula's, or a man who has been wandering in the desert for several days.
VIEWS A DECENTLY MAINTAINED LAWN AS HERESY
Randy’s yard will never win the “Best Lawn on the Block” award, nor will it inspire envy from passerby. But it will most certainly make the cover of “Dandelion Aficionado” magazine. Neighbors may not love Randy, but the fact is all manner of weeds are drawn to him like moths to flame.
MAGICALLY PRODUCES AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR AT EVERY BONFIRE
The fire is going strong, and your guests are having fun. Conversations are flowing freely. Then suddenly, primitive strains of music float through the air. What is that we hear? The sloppily plucked opening notes to “Dust in The Wind?” Yes, we are afraid so. It is then we realize that Randy has openly defied his ban and once again managed to smuggle his acoustic guitar into the proceedings.
TREATS YOUR REFRIGERATOR AS IF IT WERE HIS OWN
Despite not being a particularly large man—some might even say ‘wiry’—Randy possesses the appetite of a hyena/alligator/bear hybrid. His hunger knows no bounds. His stomach capacity defies every known biological law; sweeping away everything we know about ratios and spatial displacement. He makes a beeline for your larder as soon as he arrives, and rest assured that whatever food of yours he doesn’t manage to consume, he will spill on your furniture.
"GOOD ENOUGH" IS HIS MANTRA
Randy does not tirelessly pursue excellence. Instead, Randy lazily bathes in adequacy. On a good day.
REALLY LOVES HIS LEAF BLOWER
There is only one thing Randy loves more than his leaf-blower: firing it up at sunrise. Randy is what’s known as a crepuscular being, and is somehow most active just before the dawn. In other words, he is like a cat. A cat with a big, loud leaf blower, that he will fire up far earlier than any municipality considers within bounds.
ARE YOU THE RANDY?
If any (or all) of the above barely elicits a shrug from you, then yes—you may be a Randy.