Duke Cannon isn’t looking for a tax break. But with tax day approaching, he’d like to acknowledge all the extra taxes to which men are subject, none of which appear in the IRS tax code. You’ve probably paid these taxes, knowingly or unknowingly. And while we don’t know all of the accounting mumbo jumbo vocabulary that makes it so damn hard to settle our tab with Uncle Sam, here’s our best attempt at rewriting the book.
The French Fry Tax (DCRC Section 005)
If one domestic partner orders a side of French Fries while the other does not, the other partner is due no less than 4-5 units, or 10% of French Fry volume, whichever is greater. Among the 1% of occasions when fries are super hot and crispy, tax debt is waived unless bartered for a bite of bacon cheeseburger. This tax also applies to tater tots when applicable.
The DVR Tariff (DCRC Section 013)
For every episode of Bar Rescue or Deadliest Catch that is imported to the DVR hard drive, no less than one episode of Real Housewives of Somewhere will be recorded by your significant other (though not necessarily in HD). If said Real Housewives episode is a re-run, then “Southern Charm” (whatever the hell that is) will be recorded in its place and remain there until Bar Rescue is cleared out.
Keep The Kids At Bay Tax (DCRC Section 040)
If you spend 30 minutes at a hardware or sporting goods store in the company of your children, said children will be compensated in the form of a snack (e.g., a candy bar). For every additional 30 minutes, the compensation will be increased by 10% (i.e., a regular candy bar now becomes a supersized candy bar, or possibly, a bag of Fritos to share).
The Fair Pizza Distribution Levy (DCRC Section 019)
If, while at a friend’s house watching a game, the amount of slices personally consumed exceeds one standard deviation above the mean slices consumed by the pizza-eating group (i.e. two or more extra slices), then you must compensate others in an agreed upon way, including, but not limited to: chipping in more cash, making a beer run, or consuming far less nachos than the mean.
Exclusions: You are not subject to the tax if:
- You’ve already established you are paying for the entire pizza before it’s ordered.
- Group members have forfeited remaining slices of their pizza allotment.
Unreasonably Early Work Meeting Tax (DCRC Section 007)
If you’ve scheduled an in-person, work-related meeting at the office before standard business hours, you must provide one dozen donuts or bagels plus coffee for every 6 attendees. If the number of attendees is not a multiple of six, you must round up to the next factor of six. Addendum 096: You must also acknowledge that Wendy is gluten free and offer to buy her a yogurt from the cafeteria.