Father’s Day Gifts Since The Beginning of Time

Recently, we published our list of the best and worst gifts for Dads, but we received quite a few sternly-written letters from archaeologists and historians who argued that our very modern view of the world ignored fathers of the past. So, to make things right, we employed our research team to uncover the most popular Father’s Day gifts since the beginning of time. Here are the surprising results:

Caveman Dads, c. 10,000 B.C.:

A Slightly Sharper All-Purpose Rock

It turns out that caveman dads share more than a couple strands of DNA with modern Dads: both have a love of tools. But whereas modern Dad might enjoy a solar-powered reciprocating saw, caveman Dad was content with a newly sharpened all-purpose rock, perfect for writing, killing dinner, or creating more tools. DIY cavekids could spend 6 months sharpening a rock for dad or pick one up at Krog’s Ace Hardware down by the marsh.

Egyptian Dads, c. 2650 B.C.:

A Reliable Set of Rolling Logs

What man wouldn’t want a new set of wheels for Father’s Day, especially when said set of wheels would make it easier to transport 8-ton stones through the desert? Of course, alternative historians believe that levitation technology provided by aliens was also a very popular Father’s Day gift in ancient Egypt.

Roman Empire Dads, c. 130:

A Nice Family Outing At the Stadium

The enlightened Dads of the Roman Empire had little need for material goods. Rather, they placed more value on experiences, like spending a little quality family time at the ballpark to indulge in a few petty criminals getting disemboweled by lions.

English Dads, c. 1099:

Just Some Damn Spice

In the days prior to the Renaissance, when Sunday Brunch consisted of a dried slab of hind shank and a bowl of gruel, Dad just wanted to experience some semblance of flavor in the form of spice. Salt, pepper, cumin, whatever. So popular was this item that explorers sought to colonize the world looking for Father’s Day gifts.