How To Eradicate Weeds From Your Yard, Office, Gym, and Bar

Even the best-manicured lawn or highly-effective company is subject to the occasional weed. A Duke Cannon man knows that proper identification is the key to successful eradication. Here is our handy guide to identifying and dealing with the weeds that plague our yards, gyms, and bars.

Canada Thistle

Identification: Perhaps Canada’s worst import after Justin Beiber, the Canada Thistle is a green broadleaf with tons of prickers that is almost impossible to eradicate.

Dude Equivalent: “Loud Dan” from logistics. Even though no one invites Loud Dan to beers after work, he always seems to show up to regale his co-workers with details of his “sweet-ass boat” he can’t afford and his “crazy Tinder hook-ups” no one asked about. He also managed to finagle his way onto the company co-ed softball team where he’s the only one to talk trash and purposely tries to take walks.

How To Deal With the Weed: Clip it at its base. You’ll probably need to do this several times, but eventually the weed will waste all its energy trying to grow back and then wither away.

Creeping Charlie

Identification: This weed is always poised for a takeover. Classified as ground ivy, Creeping Charlie grows in dense patches and gets way to close to your grass.

Dude Equivalent: “Creeping Chuck” from the gym. This is the unfit dude sporting the spandex shorts and head band who doesn’t appear to be focused on burning calories, but rather finding an uncomfortably close position behind certain females in the 4PM Kettlebell class.

How To Deal With the Weed: Smother it with a tarp or newspaper over several days. Starve these things of light and hopefully they’ll just go away.


Identification: The object of affection for any 5-year-old right fielder, the little yellow flower that was cool 30 years ago is now your lawn’s arch enemy.

Dude Equivalent: “Sebastien the Hippy” from (unemployed). A modern day flower child without a real cause, Sebastien is all about “experiences” and not “things,” unless that thing is his Smartphone, because for him, the whole point of having experiences is to tell all his friends. Taken alone, this dude seems harmless enough, but when they quickly multiply and take over your yard (or local bar), it can be a blight on the neighborhood.

How To Deal With the Weed: No shortcuts here. Just dig it up by its root.