Duke Cannon's Real Life Houses of Horror

Duke Cannon isn't phased by ordinary halloween scare tactics. Last time he went to a haunted house, he got fed up with all the poorly conceived power tool props covered in blood, and he spent 15 minutes lecturing the manager about what a properly tuned chainsaw is suppsed to sound like.

Still, striking a little fear into Duke Cannon is possible, but monsters and zombies won't get it done. These real-life inspired horror ideas have a much better chance of becoming Duke Cannon's nightmare fuel.


A haunted house full teens and community-theater actors dressed up like zombies is not scary. Being trapped in an outdoor music festival, surrounded by selfie-taking, self-important posers pretending to get in touch with nature and good vibes is. Duke Cannon must escape, or he’ll turn into a music-festival hipster who can never again enjoy mainstream radio, a fate much worse than having your brains devoured by the living dead.


Communism is scary as hell; don’t let anyone tell you different. Duke Cannon’s vacation nightmare involves spending hours in this real-life tribute to infamous communist dictator Joseph Stalin, located in Gori, Georgia (the European Georgia). The idea of spending time in the “memorial house’s“ re-creation of where Stalin grew up, gives Duke Cannon the cold war chills. Even the irony of the museums capitalist-inspired overpriced gift shop does little to calm his nerves.


At first glance, a tool aisle seems like a Duke Cannon sanctuary. But closer inspection reveals its true, terrible nature: cheap, low-quality tools, none of which were made in America. Wrenches snap. Hammer heads fall off. Saw handles crack. Dollar-store tools have terrorized another victim.


What appears to be a delicious basket of chicken wings and a side of bleu cheese dressing is actually seitan covered in barbecue sauce and non-dairy dipping sauce. This is no ordinary food festival, it’s a vegan food festival, and every fake-meat dish comes a large helping of a ‘why meat is dangerous’ discussion. Duke Cannon would rather starve.


At every turn, Duke Cannon’s senses are polluted with evil: The noxious smells leaking from Perfumania, techo funhouse music being pumped out of Hollister, with nothing to taste but congealed cheese on top of Sbarro’s Pizza. When he finds an isolated bench where he can sit and recover, a toy helicopter from a kiosk crashes into his head.