Duke Cannon's List of Legally Acceptable Names for the S**** B***
This Sunday, the big professional football championship the entire world watches is going to be played. And if you’re wondering why we are speaking in euphemism, it’s because the NFL and its hulking line-up of expensive lawyers protects the trademark of its signature event as fiercely as a Pro Bowl left tackle does his delicate, aging franchise QB. But defaulting to calling it “The Big Game” is lazy and obvious, and so we here at Duke Cannon headquarters have put pen to paper and generated a list of legally acceptable ways for you to talk about this sports spectacular without being sued back into the stone age.
THE 'THEY SPENT $7 MILLION ON THAT?' COMMERCIAL PARADE
It is very likely that this will be a down-to-the-wire contest between a laundry detergent, a light beer, and an automobile manufacturer who takes the bold step of utilizing a Sam Elliot voiceover. Gird your loins.
GAME OF THROWS
Rabid sports fans and devotees of overly long fantasy novels (and their televised adaptions) can surely all get behind this catchy slogan that extols the virtues of air attack-style football.
THE APPETIZER OLYMPICS
Wings, smothered fries, multi-tiered dips—this is the true physical challenge of the big game. How much can your gut endure?
MEETING OF THE TWO BEST TEAMS (NEITHER OF WHICH ARE MY TEAM)
This might not roll off the proverbial tongue, but it contains a core truth relatable to all—unless your team is in it this year, in which case, good for you.
THE GREAT PIGSKIN PAGEANT
Sure, it sounds like an old Charlie Brown TV special, but you’d be hard-pressed to deny that it has a snappy and celebratory rhythm to it, and also leaves little room for confusion.
THE TOUR DE FRIDGE
At its core, this event is little more than a series of treks to the fridge to secure more cold ones. Here’s to taking the yellow jersey this Sunday.
THE EVENT THAT YEAR AFTER YEAR STUPIDLY REFUSES TO HAVE BOSTON PLAY THE HALFTIME SHOW
It’s more than a feeling that this egregious oversight has gone on for far too long—it’s a fact. Next year’s game takes place in Las Vegas, and Duke Cannon fully expects to see the situation corrected in the form of a giant guitar / spaceship hovering in the desert.
THE 'DIM THE LIGHTS, RANDY JUST PULLED UP' GRIDIRON SPECTACULAR
Look: he means well and if pressed we have to admit he has decent comedic timing, but the fact is he also has an MVP-level talent for getting beer and salsa stains on everything, including our dog.
THE TREMENDOUS BASIN™
The boys in legal have assured us that this one is both clever and legally iron-clad, so we trademarked it and swiftly fired up the t-shirt and hat making machines; be sure to order your Tremendous Basin™ merchandise now.