Duke Cannon's Guide to Public Pool Etiquette
As the summer temperatures rise, it’s natural to seek relief with a refreshing dip into a pool. But unless you’re one of those lucky enough to have one in your backyard, the fact is you might have to make do with a trip to a public pool or waterpark for some aquatic family fun. Should this be the case, we have some advice to help you maximize your enjoyment while staying firmly in the lane of acceptable behavior.
T-SHIRT OR NO T-SHIRT?
Duke Cannon understands the sting of vanity but it’s also our opinion that one needs to be comfortable with, as they say, “letting it all hang out.” In other words: we believe that a man wearing a t-shirt in a pool attracts more attention than he deflects. Instead, we recommend the classic “deep inhale and hold” before making that walk to the snack bar, or just simply drape a towel around your shoulders. Both are preferable to looking like an accidental entrant in a wet t-shirt contest.
NO GOGGLES REQUIRED
If you’re grinding metal or doing some woodworking, then goggles are a must. But unless you’re under the age of 12 or competing in a men’s 400m individual medley, you should not wear such things to the pool, and if we need to explain why please surrender your “Not A Clown” card immediately. We understand that chlorine can sting the peepers, so keep your eyes closed if you must and learn to trust your latent sonar abilities. It works just fine for the dolphins.
DON'T HOG THE DIVING BOARD
We’re all for adults feeling ageless when it comes to a diving board, but nothing looks sillier than a grown man up on the high dive with a dozen sad kids waiting in line behind him. Put a temporary pin in your dreams of Olympic glory and let the youngsters do their cannonballs first (we salute them), and once they’re tuckered out you can get up there and reduce everyone to slack-jawed amazement with your perfect execution of the Triple Lindy.
SPF IS YOUR FRIEND
Listen: the “tough guy who’s impervious to the sun’s rays" era is officially over. So we recommend you apply sunscreen liberally and often, not only because of future health concerns, but also to avoid living in mortal fear of friendly backslaps for the foreseeable future. This is also where we think it’s entirely appropriate to remind you that our Standard Issue™ 2-In-1 SPF Face Lotion has a broad-spectrum SPF of 30 to help guard against those pesky UV rays. Use it “Every Damn Day,” just like the tagline says.
YOU CANNOT "RESERVE" CHAIRS FOR HOURS ON END
Duke Cannon is not an easily wound-up man. But few things puncture our floaty like someone leaving some towels spread out on some chairs for hours on end like it’s their own personal parking spot. Remember that you are not royalty, and that the code of “first come first serve” is something we should all stick to. So if necessary, be content to roll your towel out on the cement, lie down, and bask in the sun like a man. It’ll do wonders for that bad back of yours.
100X BETTER THAN A CHLORINE SMELL
As much as we love Michael Phelps-ing around the local pool, we don’t want to go through summer smelling like Eau de Chlorine, and neither do you. So to combat the smell of sanitizing chemicals (and other common hot weather odors), we recommend our Bourbon solid cologne. Trust us: smelling like a woodsy oak barrel wins beats smelling like something from the periodic table of elements.
