Duke Cannon's Guide to Holiday Decorating

Yes, the holiday season is once again upon us. And if you’re a tad late on the decorating uptake (i.e., haven’t removed the jack-o-lanterns from the front porch yet), fear not, for we have put together some tips for transforming your home, inside and out, into a veritable wonderland of winter worship. So, sit back, add another splash of brandy to your ‘nog, and read on.


Does the tree need another string? Yes. Do the gutters need another length? Yes. Does the column on the front porch need to be double wrapped? Yes. You get the idea. 


Life is full of difficult decisions. Rare or medium-rare, for instance. Outboard or inboard? Neat or on the rocks? But this time of year, you face a more specific choice: pine or plastic? We can only offer you this as advice: Trust your big, non Grinch-like heart.

Answer key: Medium-rare, outboard, and neat.


Duke Cannon approves of anything that serves a dual purpose, like how a high school trophy baseball bat could come off the wall at any moment to effectively deter some varmints. Similarly, tree decorations, like strings of popcorn and chocolate kisses with fishhooks stuck through them, are both aesthetically pleasing and can serve as quick-but-satisfying sources of nourishment when you’re passing by.


All that tinsel, all those lights, piles of whatever those shiny things are upon the mantle—trust us, this holiday stuff gets expensive. So for those looking to stretch their holiday decorating dollar (and who isn’t these days?), just slip into the nearest woods, and fill your sled with pinecones, shoots of red-twig dogwood, birchbark (whatever looks like the stuff they glitter up and sell at big box stores), then find a nice pine to cut down and tie to the top of your car.*

*NOTE: Many states offer a permit to legally cut down pine trees. Duke Cannon suggests you let your conscience be your guide.


So you’ve hung the lights, scattered the reindeer across the front lawn, and hung the giant wreath. All done, right? Not so fast, Ebenezer. Have you considered a statement piece to really put a bow on the scene? It should be something special. Sure, an inflatable Rudolph on the rooftop might do, but how about an intimidatingly sized Nutcracker statue that stands taller than your neighbor’s noticeably undecorated blue spruce? Or perhaps a life-size replica of Cousin Eddie’s regal RV in the driveway? Be bold, and let the neighbors know that you have officially crossed the line into full-blown holiday décor enthusiast, and you will not be looking back.