Duke Cannon's College Curriculum for the Real World
The fall college semester is officially here, and scores of hard-working young men are currently digging into their chosen fields of study. Obviously, there are certain classes one must take to satisfy academic requirements, and being exposed to other subjects that broaden your horizons is also well and good. But Duke Cannon is a practical man, and as such we have some recommendations for some fields of study universities should consider adding to their curriculum to help future graduates navigate the real world upon graduation.
GARAGE LAW
A man’s garage is subject to the same rights and privileges as any sovereign nation, as defined under international law. In summation, what this means is that the owner is allowed wide latitude in seeking time away from household duties to further garage-based interest and hobbies. Said owner is free to lock the door from the inside at his discretion, has sole decision-making over any tool lending (with draconian penalties for any non-timely return), and may decree that the mini fridge remain stocked with both domestic and seasonal offerings. All these principles and more would be covered in this challenging class.
POWER NAP PHILOSOPHY
The word “nap” comes with ugly and unfair connotations in many circles, as it is seen as a hallmark of laziness. This course will strip away that fallacy and examine the physical and mental imperatives behind the noble power nap by focusing on the many achievements of history’s great power nappers, famed men who—after a quick 15–25-minute afternoon siesta—then set about changing the world for the better by way of building the first flying machine, erecting great monuments, ratifying historic accords, and landing men on the moon.
NEIGHBOR STUDIES
Ancient cultures are fascinating fields of study, but they have nothing on the complexities of the people you will be surrounded by in whatever neighborhood you settle down in. Generally we prefer to mind our own business, but that fact is that living by other people exposes you to crazed men mowing at ungodly hours, ill-mannered dogs that never stop barking, boats in various stages of disrepair plopped in driveways for eternity, and other challenges that this anthropologically-based course will help prepare you for.
ZIPPER MERGE ANALYSIS AND PLANNING
A daily commute or a trip on the highway to run some weekend errands will convince any man that this is a subject sorely in need of wider study. There are many who believe this is a subject best “self taught,” but we strongly disagree. Knowing how to zipper merge on a freeway is an important as basic arithmetic, and everyone needs to start learning it in 1st grade and then every year after, as well as paying it closer heed in college. Only then will we all be rewarded with the efficient roadway system we deserve.
THERMOSTAT DYNAMICS
This topic has been a field of debate for decades, with many voices weighing in from the moral, philosophical, and engineering realms. Which, when it comes right down to it, is a lot of handwringing and theorizing to address what really at the end of the day boils down to “don’t touch the thermostat; it’s set just where I want it.” Strangely, no books have been written on the topic; there exist only a few pamphlets and hastily-constructed “memes” that address this all-important subject.
