Bold Predictions for the New Year

If you’ve sat down to enjoy a coffee and the morning Internet lately, you’ve probably read no less than 9300 predictions about what this new year will hold. Truth be told, Duke Cannon isn’t much of a soothsayer, but considering that our weekly email is the sole source of world news for at least seven people, we feel it’s our journalistic responsibility to issue our own prognostications for 2018. Based largely on our conversations with Herb at the VFW, here are the top 5 predictions for the new year.

Punctuation Will Make a Roaring Comeback

Having read every text and email exchanged since 1998, the government recently revealed findings that the use of punctuation reached an all-time low last year. Only 262 commas worldwide were used in all of 2017, 43% percent of which were used erroneously. (The one purported use of a semicolon in Columbus, OH, was later identified as a winking emoticon.) In 2018, however, Duke Cannon predicts that global frustration over not knowing what the hell people are saying will reach a boiling point and use of things like “periods” will make a comeback;

Corned Beef Will Be the New Bacon

On January 12, 2007, the world woke to headlines about the importance of bacon and the need to consume it in any form possible. This epiphany set in a motion a series of events that culminated in the “jump-the-shark” moment when a “bacon martini” was ordered at a bar in Wicker Park, Chicago, on January 26th of the same year. While bacon has maintained a prominent profile over the last decade, it’s high time that the unheralded corned beef assume its rightful place as the salt-cured meat du jour.

Humans Will Give Less Sh*ts About Celebrities

2017 marked a difficult year for Hollywood. According to research from Yelp, almost 65% of male celebrities are now rated as “certifiable assholes.” As a result, the global weighted average amount of sh*ts given about celebrities is likely to decrease by a factor of 2. The decrease in attention afforded Hollywood will be made up by focusing more on teachers, farmers, builders, and other folks who make a positive contribution to their communities.

Jerry Finally Pays Back the $9 He Owes You

Last September you were at a group lunch for work, and unfortunately, Jerry from Receiving — who seemingly never carries cash — was sitting next to you. Since you’re a good guy, you spotted him the $9 he needed for the Southwest Wrap and medium Dr. Pepper he ordered. Jerry has been dodging you ever since, but this March, you’ll overhear him in the break room asking someone if they can break his $20 bill. You’ll gladly help him out.

Paper Money Will Still Be Cool

While virtual money is like the hot new exchange student everyone is talking about, the places you like to buy stuff — the local hardware store, Abe’s meat shop, truck stops — will only accept U.S currency, preferably cash. Sure, we’ve been told one Bitcoin is worth $2,000, or perhaps today it’s $10,000; but since we’re more likely to buy a snowblower from ACE than a bazooka on the dark web, we think paper dollars will ultimately win the 2018 homecoming crown.