In many parts of the country, spring is that magical time of year when it's warm enough to finally step outside but not warm enough to do anything that may be considered "recreational." Which makes it the perfect time to do some decent work — everything from powerwashing the soffits to finally tossing out that expired bottle of cucumber ranch. One spring cleaning mistake some fellows make, however, is overlooking their personal grooming. Before one can focus on the junk in the garage, one needs to focus on the junk in his trousers or the mop on his head. As any man worth his salt appreciates a good "to do" list, we've assembled a list of directives to get spruced up for the season.
YOUR Spring Clean-Up "To-DO" LIST
Directive #077: Scrub down the walls
The walls in the guest bedroom are a bit dingy, and your toddler drew some "creative" crayon artwork in the corner. But to be honest, your personal walls could use a good, solid wash as well. Duke Cannon's THICK Liquid Shower Soap is enriched with quartz to exfoliate your walls and remove the dead skin and impurities that built up while binge-watching old seasons of Breaking Bad all winter. Upgrade to Duke Cannon's three THICK Liquid Shower Soaps and enjoy a shower of substance and noticeably higher viscosity.
Directive #096: install a new air conditioner
Enough with that finicky window unit — it's time to move to central air. And enough with the baby powder — you need a solution you can rely on as the temperatures heat up. Duke Cannon's Dry Ice Powder is made with activated charcoal and superior-grade talc to keep you dry and cool where it counts, when it counts. It's like pumping the A/C in your trousers without the crazy electric bill.
Directive #219: break out the power washer
Your 2003 Sebring needs a good undercarriage cleaning, just as your scalp could use a good detox. You could go with the low-level "Basic Wash," but after three months under a knit cap, your hair could really benefit from the premium "Supreme Deluxe" option. Duke Cannon's News Anchor Power Clean Shampoo and Conditioner represents the highest setting of wash, equipped with activated charcoal and mint to remove daily build-up, refresh the scalp, and hydrate down to the follicle.
Directive #313: Declutter
Your wife has been begging you to discard your bar league softball trophies from 2006, and those Pizza Hut coupons in the junk drawer expired during the Obama administration. When it's 43 degrees and overcast outside, it's the perfect time to declutter and organize everything inside, including your hair. Duke Cannon's News Anchor Pomades are essential tools to take control of rogue strands while bringing order and neatness to your mop. Achieve News Anchor-quality hair this spring without making a big deal about it.
Directive #769: CLEAN UP THE SHRUBBERY
April is always the perfect time to finally get to those landscaping projects you should have completed in October. In order to meet your objective of having a better yard, and a better beard, than your neighbor, Roger, you need to clean up the shrubbery on your lawn and your face. Duke Cannon's Best Damn Beard Goods bring a little order to your growth while moisturizing the skin underneath that itchy wool "face sweater" you've been wearing to keep your mug warm all winter.
Directive #524: Test your fire alarm
On April 24th around 3 AM, you will be awoken by the piercing beep of a smoke detector in need of an immediate replacement of batteries you don't have. You'll struggle mightily as you scramble to discern exactly which alarm is in need of service, while your wife and scared dog implore you to "make it stop." Avoid this fate and keep your family safe by replacing your batteries and giving your fire alarms a proper test. And while you're at it, test whether you can endure the warming sensation of Duke Cannon's Hot Shave. If you can handle a little heat without your alarms going off, you're in for the closest shave of your life. (This painful metaphor is brought to you by Duke Cannon Ice Cold After-Shave Balm, reminding you that a proper shave is never finished without an After-Shave.)